No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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