I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
