After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
