its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
