Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
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They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I woke up under a house in Key West
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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