I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
