plz talk dirty to me
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
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