It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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