Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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