Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
