you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize