I've blown a few things in my day
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
