There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I need water and some morals
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
