Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
