I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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