Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Can Purell be used as lube?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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