This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Bring me that man meat
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
