I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
