Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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