i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
