guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
