my mouth tastes like poor choices
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
