You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
