Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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