you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
