I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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