Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
