I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
