You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
