i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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