he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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