Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
