I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
40s are totally the cure
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
