I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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