smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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