either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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