Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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