well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
