there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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