Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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