i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
