well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
