I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
