Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
