i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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