we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
