I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
