wakey wakey hands off snakey
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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