Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
