I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
