saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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