I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
