Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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