I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
