my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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