taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
