just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
