all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
