You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
