Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
