And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
