i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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