And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
