Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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