Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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