Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize