I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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